The Lincolnsheer Glycolysis Poächer

The Lincolnsheer man with 'is ploo

Spreeds 'is seeäd ter graw greeän fer 'is coo.

Bud now noän neeäds coos ter mek mook

Since th'owd rep from Norsk Hydro said "Look -

"Spreed this phosphaäte meeäd at ower works

An' y'neeäd niver cleeän up thi pik-ferks.

Bud the problem fer yeeärs what we've faäced

Is ter remble th'industrial waäste -

We dun hit on a reet klink soluäshun

We thowt, mek th'abless foak yet the polluäshun.

"Councillors, theer as big as bull beef,

When they 'ear they can pawm ower teeth,

We'll mog on wi' ower Yankee cat-lap

Abowt bairns' lost wi' muck tatie-traps.

So theer's Lincolners now booäst an' natter

'Ow theer Council's perfected theer watter.

"Which, beleave it or doän't was reet cleeän

Bud lacked just the amount of fluoreäne

We mud slap, kelter awa mix wi' plaaster

To avert a big ayer waff dizaaster.

"Ablins catchin' gawp-seed them town foäk

Sum'll neeäd special neeäds or maäy boäk;

Will beezums' hucks fractcher? They mud.

Will thi owd boy go limmuck? It cud.

So wime round the owd standards and praise it:

Say theer teeth cap my arse and we'll aäise it.

POETRY DISCUSSION

Why would Lincoln's rulers want to add an intelligence-reducing broad-spectrum enzyme poison to the population? Local historian and Lincophile G Edward Campion explains:

"Generally speaking education was not appreciated in Lincolnshire as boys were expected to follow their fathers and work on the land. When I decided to do something different some of my contemporaries considered that I was stepping out of line and did not know my place. My grandfather's workmates told him, 'Yah'll edicaäte that boy till 'e weän't work!' The attitude was that nothing mattered except hard manual work."

After the war Fisons built the Immingham fertiliser plant and Lincolnshire farmers were able to buy fertility. Impressed with the results, in 1969 Lincoln City Council were persuaded by a majority of one to buy dental health. Towards the end of the century Lincoln decided to go the whole hog and buy education too. A new University was built on the site of an old chemical dump.

Language difficulties must have affected the hiring of staff, because instead of a lecturer, the new University of Lincolnshire and Humberside instead hired a lecher, who had to be acquitted of raping a student as his Rohypnol (the fluorinated date-rape drug) made her an unreliable witness.

Glycolysis, the process by which cells obtain energy, is disrupted by fluoride which inhibits the enzyme enolase (Warburg and Christian, 1942).

Following the discovery of mineral deficiencies in the water, Lincoln's River Witham underwent a restorative treatment.  Thanks to the University of Lincoln studentification program several missing elements have been adjusted to optimal levels in a scheme whose success proves nutrition, brains and behaviour go together. 

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